BE PEACE AT HOME: WITHOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

What is Family Violence?

Family violence or domestic violence is the mistreatment of one family member by another to gain power and control.  The violence can take on different forms:

Physical Abuse - slapping, punching, choking, or throwing things

Emotional Abuse - yelling, making insults or threats

Sexual Abuse - such as unwanted touching, incest or rape

Neglect - withholding affection, money, food, health care or other needed care

Family Violence Hurts the Whole Family

Family Violence effects everyone not just the victim.  Children suffer too.  Research suggests that between 80 & 90 percent of these children are aware of the violence.  Children who grow up in violent homes greatly risk the possibility of emotional, behavioral and physical problems that last for a lifetime. Depression; anxiety; violence toward peers; suicide attempt; drug & alcohol abuse and running away from home are just some of the issues that stem from the violence in the home.  Children also can be injured as a direct result from abuse.  Batterers sometimes intentionally injure children in an effort to intimidate and control the partners.  For younger children assaults may occur while the mother is holding her child or for older children, injuries often occur when they try to intervene in violent episodes. Boys are twice as likely to become batterers and girls are more likely to find themselves in abusive relationships. Children are fearful and powerless in violent homes. They, too, need help and protection. Break free from violence and stop the cycle for your children.

Domestic violence affects every member of the family, including the children. Family violence creates a home environment where children live in constant fear.
Children who witness family violence are affected in ways similar to children who are physically abused.. They are often unable to establish nurturing bonds with either parent Children are at greater risk for abuse and neglect if they live in a violent home.
Statistic show that over 3 million children witness violence in their home each year. Those who see and hear violence in the home suffer physically and emotionally.

"Families under stress produce children under stress. If a spouse is being abused and there are children in the home, the children are affected by the abuse." (Ackerman and Pickering, 1989) Dynamics of domestic violence are unhealthy for children: control of family by one dominant member. abuse of a parent. isolation. protecting the "family secret". Children react to their environment in different ways, and reactions can vary depending on the child's gender and age.

Children exposed to family violence are more likely to develop social, emotional, psychological and or behavioral problems than those who are not. Recent research indicates that children who witness domestic violence show more anxiety, low self esteem, depression, anger and temperament problems than children who do not witness violence in the home. The trauma they experience can show up in emotional, behavioral, social and physical disturbances that effect their development and can continue into adulthood. The Effects of Domestic Violence on Children How many children witness the abuse of their mothers? Studies show that 3-4 million children between the ages of 3-17 are at risk of exposure to domestic violence each year. U.S. government statistics say that 95% of domestic violence cases involve women victims of male partners. The children of these women often witness the domestic violence. Witnessing can mean SEEING actual incidents of physical/and or sexual abuse. It can mean HEARING threats or fighting noises from another room. Children may also OBSERVE the aftermath of physical abuse such as blood, bruises, tears, torn clothing, and broken items. Finally children may be AWARE of the tension in the home such as their mother’s fearfulness when the abuser’s car pulls into the driveway. What are the feelings of children who are exposed to battering? Children who are exposed to battering become fearful and anxious. They are always on guard, watching and waiting for the next event to occur. They never know what will trigger the abuse, and therefore, they never feel safe. They are always worried for themselves, their mother, and their siblings. They may feel worthless and powerless. Children who grow up with abuse are expected to keep the family secret, sometimes not even talking to each other about the abuse. Children from abusive homes can look fine to the outside world, but inside they are in terrible pain. Their families are chaotic and crazy. They may blame themselves for the abuse thinking if they had not done or said a particular thing, the abuse would not have occurred. They may also become angry at their siblings or their mother for triggering the abuse. They may feel rage, embarrassment, and humiliation. Children of abuse feel isolated and vulnerable. They are starved for attention, affection and approval. Because mom is struggling to survive, she is often not present for her children. Because dad is so consumed with controlling everyone, he also is not present for his children. These children become physically, emotionally and psychologically abandoned. What behaviors do children who witness domestic violence exhibit? The emotional responses of children who witness domestic violence may include fear, guilt, shame, sleep disturbances, sadness, depression, and anger (at both the abuser for the violence and at the mother for being unable to prevent the violence). Physical responses may include stomachaches and/or headaches, bedwetting, and loss of ability to concentrate. Some children may also experience physical or sexual abuse or neglect. Others may be injured while trying to intervene on behalf of their mother or a sibling. The behavioral responses of children who witness domestic violence may include acting out, withdrawal, or anxiousness to please. The children may exhibit signs of anxiety and have a short attention span which may result in poor school performance and attendance. They may experience developmental delays in speech, motor or cognitive skills. They may also use violence to express themselves displaying increased aggression with peers or mother. They can become self-injuring. What are the long-term effects on children who witness domestic violence? Whether or not children are physically abused, they often suffer emotional and psychological trauma from living in homes where their fathers abuse their mothers. Children whose mothers are abused are denied the kind of home life that fosters healthy development. Children who grow up observing their mothers being abused, especially by their fathers, grow up with a role model of intimate relationships in which one person uses intimidation and violence over the other person to get their way. Because children have a natural tendency to identify with strength, they may ally themselves with the abuser and lose respect for their seemingly helpless mother. Abusers typically play into this by putting the mother down in front of her children and telling them that their mother is “crazy” or “stupid” and that they do not have to listen to her. Seeing their mothers treated with enormous disrespect, teaches children that they can disrespect women the way their fathers do. Most experts believe that children who are raised in abusive homes learn that violence is an effective way to resolve conflicts and problems. They may replicate the violence they witnessed as children in their teen and adult relationships and parenting experiences. Boys who witness their mothers’ abuse are more likely to batter their female partners as adults than boys raised in nonviolent homes. For girls, adolescence may result in the belief that threats and violence are the norm in relationships. Children from violent homes have higher risks of alcohol/drug abuse, post traumatic stress disorder, and juvenile delinquency. Witnessing domestic violence is the single best predictor of juvenile delinquency and adult criminality. It is also the number one reason children run away. Some potential Domestic Violence effects in brief Emotional Grief for family and personal losses. Shame, guilt, and self blame. Confusion about conflicting feelings toward parents. Fear of abandonment, or expressing emotions, the unknown or personal injury. Anger. Depression and feelings of helplessness and powerlessness. Embarrassment. Behavioral Acting out or withdrawing. Aggressive or passive. Refusing to go to school. Care taking; acting as a parent substitute. Lying to avoid confrontation. Rigid defenses. Excessive attention seeking. Bedwetting and nightmares. Out of control behavior. Reduced intellectual competency. Manipulation, dependency, mood swings. Social Isolation from friends and relatives. Stormy relationships. Difficulty in trusting, especially adults. Poor anger management and problem solving skills. Excessive social involvement to avoid home. Passivity with peers or bullying. Engaged in exploitative relationships as perpetrator or victim. Physical Somatic complaints, headaches and stomachaches. Nervous, anxious, short attention span. Tired and lethargic. Frequently ill. Poor personal hygiene. Regression in development. High risk play. Self abuse

For Parents

Giving Children Love and Care

Nurturing children from abusive homes can bring healing to their lives. In giving needed love and care to children, it is important for a parent to reflect these essentials: Trust and Respect Acknowledge children's right to have their own feelings, friends, activities and opinions. Promote independence, allow for privacy and respect their feelings for the other parent. Believe in them. Provide Emotional Security Talk and act so children feel safe and comfortable expressing themselves. Be gentle. Be dependable. Provide Physical Security Provide healthy food, safe shelter and appropriate clothing. Teach personal hygiene and nutrition. Monitor safety. Maintain a family routine. Attend to wounds. Provide Discipline Be consistent; ensure that rules are appropriate to age and development of the child. Be clear about limits and expectations. Use discipline to give instruction, not to punish. Give Time Participate in your children's lives, in their activities, school, sports, special events, celebrations and friends. Include your children in your activities. Reveal who you are to your children. Encourage and Support Be affirming. Encourage children to follow their interests. Let children disagree with you. Recognize improvement. Teach new skills. Let them make mistakes. Give Affection Express verbal and physical affection. Be affectionate when your children are physically or emotionally hurt. Care for Yourself Give yourself personal time. Keep yourself healthy. Maintain friendships. Accept love.

Safety Is for Children, Too

A Child's Own Safety Plan

Child Victim/Witness of Domestic Violence Age-specific indicators Infants Basic need for attachment is disrupted. Routines around feeding/sleeping are disturbed. Injuries while "caught in the crossfire". Irritability or inconsolable crying. Frequent illness. Difficulty sleeping. Diarrhea. Developmental delays. Lack of responsiveness. Preschool Somatic or psychosomatic complaints. Regression. Irritability. Fearful of being alone. Extreme separation anxiety. Developmental delays. Sympathetic toward mother. Elmentary Age Vacillate between being eager to please and being hostile. Verbal about home life. Developmental delays. Externalized behavior problems. Inadequate social skill development. Gender role modeling creates conflict/confusion. Preadolescence Behavior problems become more serious. Increased internalized behavior difficulties: depression, isolation, withdrawal. Emotional difficulties: shame, fear, confusion, rage. Poor social skills. Developmental delays. Protection of mother, sees her as "weak". Guarded/secretive about family. Adolescence Internalized and externalized behavior problems can become extreme and dangerous: drug/alcohol, truancy, gangs, sexual acting out, pregnancy, runaway, suicidal. Dating relationships may reflect violence learned or witnessed in the home.

Working with Children Trust is a major factor when working with children exposed to domestic violence. Children need a safe place with an adult they can trust to begin healing. When first working with a child, it is helpful to ask what makes her/him feel comfortable and uncomfortable with adults. Listen to children and provide them with space and respect. Let children know you care about them, that there are adults interested in their opinions, thoughts and ideas. Use books on the subject to help open children up. Use art, music, drama, and play to help children express themselves. Refer children to professional counselors, as needed. Connect children to organizations in the community that work with youth, as appropriate. Help children develop age-appropriate and realistic safety plans. Tell them often that someone cares From the Illinois Coalition Aginst Domestic Violence newsletter, spring 2000

Statistics Each year an estimated 3.3 million children are exposed to violence against their mothers or female caretakers by family members. (American Psychological Association, Violence and the Family: Report of the APA Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family,1996) Studies show that child abuse occurs in 30 to 60 percent of family violence cases that involve families with children. (J.L. Edleson, "The overlap between child maltreatment and woman battering." Violence Against Women, February, 1999.) A survey of 6,000 American families found that 50 percent of men who assault their wives, also abuse their children. (Pagelow, "The Forgotten Victims: Children of Domestic Violence," 1989) Research shows that 80 to 90 percent of children living in homes where there is domestic violence are aware of the violence. (Pagelow, "Effects of Domestic Violence on Children," Mediation Quarterly, 1990) A number one predictor of child abuse is woman abuse. (Stark and Flitcraft, "Women at Risk: A Feminist Perspective on Child Abuse," International Journal of Health Services, 1988) The more severe the abuse of the mother, the worse the child abuse. (Bowker, Arbitell, and McFerron, "On the Relationship Between Wife Beating and Child Abuse," Perspectives on Wife Abuse, 1988) Some 80 percent of child fatilities within the family are attributable to fathers or father surrogates. (Bergman, Larsen and Mueller, "Changing Spectrum of Serious Child Abuse," Pediatrics, 1986) In families where the mother is assaulted by the father, daughters are at risk of sexual abuse 6.51 times greater than girls in non-abusive families (Bowker, Arbitell and McFerron, 1988) A child's exposure to the father abusing the mother is the strongest risk fact for transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next (American Psychological Association, Violence and the Family: Report of the APA Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family,1996) Male children who witness the abuse of mothers by fathers are more likely to become men who batter in adulthood than those male children from homes free of violence (Rosenbaum and O'Leary, "Children: The Unintended Victims of Marital Violence," American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 1981) Older children are frequently assaulted when they intervene to defend or protect their mothers. (Hilberman and Munson, "Sixty Battered Women," Victimology: An International Journal, 1977-78) In a 36-month study of 146 children, ages 11-17 who came from homes where there was domestic violence, all sons over the age of 14 attempted to protect their mothers from attacks. Some 62 percent were injured in the process. (Roy, 1988)